Change… Disintegration… and Time

Late last fall I made the decision to move.  Out of state.  To Oregon.

Many situations contributed to this decision.  A complete disintegration of my life as I had known it was the central one.  Relationships, business, home…. you name it.  Every area of my life was affected.  All of it originating from an amazing year long experience of expansion in my “Love for my Self”.  So much so, that what had been known as “my life”… the life I had fully participated in creating… no longer felt like “home”.

It’s a challenging experience… disintegration.  It’s the direct energetic result one gets from putting out a request to the Universe for “Change”.

See… I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted things to “change” in my life… and I’m no newby to “change”.  I am the original “Chrysalis Woman”… so growth and change are familiar and very beloved friends of mine.  I am also a Capricorn, and Pluto (the BIG Transformer) has been hanging out in my sign for the last couple of years and has nestled in for a long stay well into 2024.  Because of this I’ve expected changes, growth, expansion and deep cleansing of people, places and things that are not in alignment with my Soul’s higher purpose.  However, even expecting Change and/or desiring Change, doesn’t mean you’re prepared for how it shows up… and I had no idea the ride I was in for, when my “1″ year (numerology) began last year.

A ”1″ year is all about change… and EVERYTHING changes in a 1 year.  It was as if the illusionary curtain I had been content to dwell behind was pulled back and every aspect of my life that was not in alignment with my higher purpose came crumbling down.  The lesson of my 1 year, was in learning, even more deeply than I have before… how to “expand and let go”.

People were magickally brought into my life who elevated my current understanding of money, business, relationships and self worth in ways I hadn’t expected or even dreamed were possible.  From January through September I was exposed to the likes of Marie Forleo, Gina Devee, Goddess Leonie and many others who’s energies continued to expand my belief in my Self and what was possible.

All sweet, right?  Not necessarily.

There’s something to say for elevating your thoughts, expanding your awareness, upleveling what you believed to be possible and experiencing an ascension into the greater parts of your Soul.  It changes you.  Deeply.  On a cellular level.  Not only does your mind shift in its understandings of concepts, but your body changes too.  Cells, blood, tissue, muscles… everything that made up my body was shifting to accomodate the new “in-formation” that I was receiving.  I was experiencing a total re-formation of Me.

It’s the natural flow of life, really.  Change.  Part of our daily life.  In every moment.  With every exquisite breathe.  The hard part, and the piece that is most often resisted… is how our outer reality, the life we have created up until the moment Change is experienced and integrated… must shift and Change to reflect back the new “in-formation”… the newly changed You.

This is where Disintegration comes in.  Sometimes, it’s big.  Sometimes, not so much.  Like I said before… mine last year was BIG.

From September on, as I embraced and expressed the Me that was shifting, changing and “in-formation”… all around me my world was crumbling.  Women I had spent years supporting and offering my heart/soul’s work to began to resist the expansion I was experiencing, and as I became more confident in the creation of clearer boundaries, deeper self love and the fuller expression of my voice… they began to withdraw their love and support.  Friendships that once had been core to my heart, crumbled under this new Light.  A business that I had nurtured and loved, I began to resent and decided to dismantle.  Everywhere I turned, there seemed to be nothing to hold on to.

Feelings were hurt.  Connections severed.  Lives moved in different directions.

Scary.

Truly…

It can be easy in these moments, when everything looks bleak, to doubt the Truth of what you’ve experienced.  To second guess how you’ve been guided.  To believe, when everything around you comes crumbling down… that you are moving in the wrong direction.  When feelings are hurt, when no one understands, when lives are being affected… it can be difficult to continue moving forward.  Difficult to perservere in what you feel is right… for you.

These are the moments were Courage comes in. The courage to “let go” and allow “disintegration” to work its magick. Courage to ”Trust” that everything you’ve been shown, everything you’ve felt has been True… for you.  Courage to believe in your Self, even when others disagree.  Courage to watch as the Goddess Kali, the Destroyer, slays everything that’s been… out of a deep love for you… and leaves you… standing… exposed… vulnerable… naked… and blood stained… staring at the destruction laying at your feet.  Courage to send love into a world that’s angry you’re leaving it.

The beauty about the Universe is that even when everything has been taken away from us… we’re never left bereft.   All year I had been shown examples of a life I knew was coming for me.  All year I was exposed to ways of being, living and loving that I new deep in my heart was the New Earth that my life was being shed and cleansed for.  All that was required of me was Trust that as these shifts occurred in my life… I would be led to what was next… even if I had no idea when or how.

Even in my darkest moments of loneliness and uncertainty as Winter arrived and the bare trees and cold Earth reflected my own life’s aftermath… there were signs.

Whenever I was driving anywhere I would see license plates of Oregon.  Whether I was in California or visiting in Arizona… plates of Oregon.  Standing in grocery store lines I would hear stories of Oregon.  Watching movies, reading posts on facebook… Oregon.  Always there.  A beacon of soft, glowing light.  An ember in the fire of destruction that whispered to me… “It will be worth it dear one… you’ll see”.

I gave my Self time to delve into Winter’s warm and soothing cave, dining on Faith and Trust that all would be well.  I spent time with family and gave my Self to holyday celebrations.  I drank warm herbal teas and took long naps beside crackling fires.  I listened to soft and healing music by candlelight.  I took long baths and cried.  Oh how I cried.  I waited for the light of the year to return, all the while cradling and nurturing the examples of the New Earth I had been shown… waiting to begin the activation of my pursuit of the New Earth that awaited me.

Enter in 2012… my 2 year and “Reckoning with Time”.

The hardest part about the disolution of a life, can be the “in-between” time.  The time prior to when a new life is created.  It requires the building of the muscle I like to call “Being With What Is”.

As the light of the New Year began to grow, I began making plans.  Plans for taking my business online.  Plans for moving to Oregon.  Plans for selling my home.  Plans, Plans, Plans.

Funny thing about Plans… just as unpredictable as Change

After the fast paced, life changing energy of the 1 year… getting used to the slower 2 year energy is going to take some Time.  Funny… that I chose the world Time… as that seems to be the very essence of the 2 year… things take Time.

There is no Time frame for the creation of a new life.  There is no Time given for how long it will take when one ends and another begins.

Ever since January 1st rolled around… I’ve been shown that moving to Oregon will take… Time.  That getting my business online, an entire decade of my life transformed into an online school and e-courses, is going to take… Time.  Coming into relationship with the New Life that awaits me…. Time.

Ugh… hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure.  After the fast paced energy of the “1″ year, this energy has felt like coming up against a brick wall.

So what does one do while waiting to reconstruct a new life?  How does one flow with being in the “in between” and living fully present with the “Time” it will take… especially when everything around you is gone?

By taking it… ”One day at a… Time”

I’ll spend my… Time… working in my garden, a place I’ve dedicated years to developing that I will be leaving someday, but who’s beauty that I continue to cultivate will bring such peace to whomever gets to experience it after me.

I’ll spend my… Time… “living” more of the life I love that I normally “teach” to others.

I’ll spend my… Time… transitioning my nearly double decade long love affair with Women’s Wisdom and Rites business into an online school, loving the process of emptying my mind/heart into a new and unfamiliar medium and enjoy each moment of the process… over Time.

I’ll spend my… Time… with family.  Those who have watched me grow, stretch and expand throughout my life, who are my biggest cheerleaders and who can’t wait to see what comes next.

I’ll spend my… Time… visiting Oregon… knowing that someday soon doors will open that will carry this earth loving woman onto the land that has been awaiting her and her magick.

I’ll spend my… Time… visioning and dreaming of the New Earth/Life that Goddess is lovingly creating for me.

and…

I’ll spend my… Time… sharing all of it with you…

Love,

Ayla